Is He Serious?

Monday, January 22, 2007

Is He Serious? Current mood: stressed Category: Blogging I smelled the cologne as soon as he walked out of the bathroom. "Tomorrow, honey," I said - moving our 6 month old (who was covered in red, bumpy hives) to my other hip. His face fell and he grabbed a beer and sat down in the rocking chair. I handed him the baby. "I'm sorry. I just can't today, OK?" "It really bothers me that you don't want to have sex with me." There it is. That statement. Again. Allow me to introduce you to a sexy day in the life of Heidi Lee. The day I'm describing is Saturday - but could be any given Saturday or Sunday. I'm going to write as though speaking to my husband...because these are certainly the things that I would have liked to say to him after hearing that statement. - It really bothers me that I've changed not 1, not 2, but 3 poopy diapers today. I realize you changed one or two yourself and I don't blame you for this - but someone should have told us that children are capable of having so many bowel movements in one day! - It really bothers me that part of poopy diaper change number 3 ended up on my pants. - It really bothers me that I didn't have a chance to shower today and that I look like utter crap. - It really bothers me that I haven't had time to shave my legs in a week. (Short time to shower - and arm pits always win.) - Walking by the bathroom and seeing you scratching your butt really bothers me. - These little bumps on the back of my upper arms? Really bother me. Maybe if you gave me a little time to moisturize I wouldn't have them! - Your passing gas in my presence 4 or 5 times doesn't necessarily REALLY bother me - but don't expect me to be in the mood later, OK? - Barney, The Little Einsteins and the stupid Backyardigans theme song playing in my head all day really bothers me. - It really bothers me when my three year old accidently wacks me in the nose and then huffily tells me I'm not his best friend anymore. - My precious baby covered in hives really bothers me. - Watching you watch tennis because evidently there is no other 'game' on? Really bothers me. - Reading 2 Batman, 1 Spiderman and 2 Superman stories over and over really bother me...and we won't even go into the alphabet and number learning puzzles. - Four loads of laundry really bother me. - It really bothers me that I'm losing massive amounts of hair due to 'hormonal' changes...ridiculously massive amounts. - It really bothers me that I'm still breastfeeding and that you're still looking at these things. - On that same token, it really bothers me that my right breast is producing twice as much milk as my left - and is therefore TWICE the size. And YOU think it's funny! - Oh - and nursing bras? NOT SEXY. - It really bothers me that you pat me on the butt when you walk by me on a day that you think you're 'getting some'. That is SO NOT a turn on. - It really bothers me that while you think I'm in good shape - my skin was very recently stretched out to capacitate an 8 and a half pound baby and hasn't exactly snapped back into place yet. - It bothers me that we had to schedule this little trist three days in advance. Guess what? I don't feel like it! - It REALLY bothers me when you wait until 5 minutes prior to going to the bedroom to put on cologne!! A little subtlety please!! - But what bothers me most of all is that you are always ready to go no matter the circumstances... It's just not fair.